Vipassana Meditation: To See Things As They Are... From A Different Perspective

In April 2023 I embarked on a 10-day journey into the practice of vipassana as taught by S.N Goenka, the founder of the Dhamma organisation. This was my second experience of this kind of meditation retreat. I had previously started a retreat back in April 2014 but left on the morning of the 4th day due to an uneasy feeling I could not shake off. Although the silence and the meditation time were welcome, I had reservations about the way the retreat was structured and run. At the time I thought that was the end of it, that this type of meditation course was simply not for me, and I went on without thinking too much about the experience. In fact, I did not think about vipassana for almost a decade, until 2023 when I decided to venture into the world of vipassana once again. This time I stayed for the entire duration of the course – I wrote about that experience here – and I decided that I would come back a second time to serve (something that is strongly encouraged by the organisation upon completion of a ten-day course). The following is the diary that I kept during the retreat.

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DAY OF ARRIVAL Tuesday 09.01.2024 Welcomes are over-rated

The journey to Dhamma Sacca was quite long: a long bus ride from the lost village of Soual in the south of France to the mountains north of Madrid. The entire trip took 24 hours altogether.

When I got off the bus in Candelada I met someone who is also going to the vipassana centre. He is going as a student, and I am going there to serve. We had a nice chat while we waited for someone to pick us up: it will be his second retreat, and he seems very enthusiastic about having a second opportunity. I do not have any expectations for the next 10 days, but I believe it will be very interesting to see how such an operation is run from a volunteer's perspective.

There was little guidance – or even acknowledgement of our presence by the members of the staff and servers alike – upon our arrival. I had to look for someone to tell me where to go to eat and to point me to the sleeping quarters; and when I say 'point me to' I am not exaggerating, this is literally what happened: the LTS (long-time server) in charge of the women pointed to a building somewhere in the dark and told me to 'take any free bed'. It was a little frustrating to be given so little information, but I decided to give it until the next day before making any harsh judgements.

DAY 0: Wednesday 10.01.2024 Kitchen duties

I will be helping out in the kitchen; the options are limited anyway :). So far, there are four women helpers whom I am aware of, but more people are supposed to join us. There are two women in my room at the moment: Isa and Nina. The students for this course will be arriving this afternoon, so today's duties are to prepare an enormous amount of soup – which will serve as a light welcoming dinner – and to make lunch for the volunteers. I am in charge of the soup, and the sheer amount of ingredients and the size of the pots are just daunting. The whole operation seems extremely unorganised: there is no proper introduction as to how the kitchen functions, despite the fact that this is not a novelty by any means – vipassana retreats are run all over the world at the rate of one per month at least, depending on the centre, and Dhamma Sacca is definitely one of the busiest. We are, it seems, just thrown to the wolves and hoping for the best.

Everything came together in the end – not without some mishap – but everyone was fed and made it to bed OK.

DAY 1: Thursday 11.01.2024

The ten-day vipassana course officially started today. For the servers/helpers, it means a 5:30 a.m start to get breakfast ready for 6:30 a.m when the students come out of morning meditation. As servers, we are obligated to attend the three daily one hour group meditations – those meditations are to be attended by everyone in the centre no matter what. We can also participate in other meditations which coincide with our breaks if we wish to do so, as well as the evening discourses. I would like to join in the morning meditation from time to time, but today I slept because I was pretty exhausted from travelling.

We got to choose our responsibilities in the kitchen, I opted to pair up with Alejo (a male volunteer) on all vegetable prep. I did not want to be in the dining room and figured that cutting vegetables would be straight forward enough while I get used to the kitchen, its environment and the people I am working with. Again, I feel that there could be a little more organisation from the people running the show. This is taking me back to my time as a volunteer at the Suryalila retreat centre where, similarly to the Dhamma Sacca centre, they rely heavily on volunteers. I should say that I do think that they are doing a pretty good job considering the scale of the operation.

We had our first team meeting this evening, with the managers and the teachers on this course. I was surprised to see that both teachers are women. A vipassana course segregates women from men on the entire premises (apart from the kitchen apparently, not that I mind at all), so it would seem logical to have a man deal with the men's questions for the sake of continuity and integrity. I still feel uncomfortable and uneasy about this divide; I find it unnatural and controlling. I have a few reservations about the vipassana courses in general, yet I remain curious. More helpers arrived today and, as women, we are slightly outnumbered.

The meditations today felt like hours; my mind is restless, while my physical body does not seem to mind the stillness so far. I mostly tried to focus on the breath only, and that alone was challenging.

The food is tasty, but it is disappointing to find out that they use some cheap and low-quality ingredients. I understand that, allegedly, they rely solely on donations made by past participants to run the course and that the menu is not to be anything fancy – a vipassana course is basically an introduction to the life of a monk/nun. Even so, I believe that the participants deserve good quality ingredients to support them through the gruelling schedule of 10 hours of daily meditation – with no exercise permitted.

DAY 2: Friday 12.01.2024 Time is an illusion

The days and hours are beginning to blur into one and the same; I have to keep reminding myself of the date because I already feel disorientated as far as time is concerned. The schedule for servers is pretty tight and busy, and the subject of a 'day off' is now coming up because some people would like the opportunity to meditate more or get some extra rest. Personally, I have told the group that I do not wish to take a 'day off'. The reason being that I came as a helper and I intend to live that experience as fully as I did as a student. I plan on coming back as a student for another ten-day course, therefore I do not feel the need for a 'day off' that was never mentioned to begin with. We do get a lot of meditation time as it is, but I have to admit that the rest times are very few and far between. I have not yet had the chance to take a walk; I feel like I am either in the kitchen or in the meditation hall. We'll see... I think we also need to get into a rhythm as a team. Our group is multicultural and eclectic, which is very enjoyable. We need time to find our groove, but I think we are doing pretty good.

My mind was still running around a thousand miles an hour. I keep breathing and observing. In the middle of the lunch shift I told Javier I was going for a walk; I had an intense moment of cabin fever and needed some air.

DAY 3: Saturday 13.01.2024 Sleep, interrupted

Time has become a foreign entity here: I do not know what day it is nor the date, and the one-hour meditations feel like hours. What a strange feeling!

This morning was very smooth and peaceful during the breakfast and lunch shifts, there seemed to be an ease and harmony between all of us. Two of the women servers had a 'student day': they left their helper duties behind for a day and went to all the meditations they wanted to attend. Some of the volunteers are showing signs of fatigue and stress.

After a couple of nights of short, but deep sleep, I had a really hard time falling asleep last night. I was not the only one; there was something in the air, everyone in my room stayed awake very late as well. Personally, I think the reason was that I fell asleep during our evening break (I could have slept until the next morning if I hadn't had to get up for Metta). That break in my sleep was a dealbreaker for the rest of the night.

Despite a clear lack of sleep, my energy levels are very high. I am enjoying our little group: the laughs, the deep conversations, and the not so profound – but just as enriching – ones. Every day I am faced with a challenging interaction with someone; I use the term challenging because it highlights the parts of me that still want to be right, the ego mind, the one that is often on the defensive. What a deep dive into the shadow side!

Tonight I am going to the discourse. It came this afternoon: the thought that I would benefit from it, even though I do not remember what the subject is on day three. I am also planning to fast tomorrow for vipassana day. I have eaten so much yummy food in the past three days, my body is definitely well nourished :). I think it is time for a cleansing fast day. I thought it would be appropriate to fast on vipassana day. Fasting is not allowed in vipassana courses – when seated – even though 'old students' do fast in the evening. I guess long periods of fasting are not allowed. I think the rules are not as strict when serving – I'm not 100% sure – but I will fast anyway (people are definitely eating more than what is suggested, so fasting should be an option if one wishes to do so).

DAY 4: Sunday 14.01.2024 Vipassana Day: To see things as they are, again

Within a ten-day vipassana course, day four is the day when the students are given the actual vipassana technique after having spent the first three days learning and practising anapana-sati.

I slept very good last night: we went to bed at 10 p.m, and I woke up at 4 a.m with the gong, and decided to go to the morning meditation for one hour before the breakfast shift. Although my mind was still busy running inventories, I did feel a lot calmer because of the early morning and going straight to meditation upon awakening.

The group has definitely found its groove now, even though a couple of the women seem to struggle emotionally and mentally. It is an intense experience for any human being: we must navigate one another in a state of high alertness and awareness. What a crazy bunch we are :D.

My body and my mind are being thankful for the fasting, I feel it deeply. Time still seems to stretch in meditation, but I feel slightly more centered. This afternoon, after the 2 p.m meditation, the entire staff also joined the two-hour vipassana/lesson technique introduction. It was interesting to hear it again: I did not remember the lesson to be so thorough last year, but I know it was, because a vipassana course is always the same: the recorded voice of S.N Goenka resonating in hundreds of meditation halls around the world.

DAY 5: Monday 15.01.2024    The joy amid the chaos

I didn't sleep so good last night; I woke up a couple of times to go to the bathroom during the night, and then I woke up at 3.30 a.m and I could not go back to sleep. I contemplated going to meditation at 4.30 a.m but, in the end, I decided to do some pranayama before the morning shift.

I practised anapana in the 8 a.m group meditation. My intention is to practise vipassana during the afternoon meditation, followed by metta in the evening; I also want to go to the discourse tonight.

The lunchtime shift was so challenging, I lost my cool a couple of times because the lack of organisation within the system is extremely frustrating. On top of that, everyone has their own preferences and ideas that they want to share or implement. This experience is a process of acceptance and compassion on every front: for myself and for others. This is what I came for: vipassana in practice. We are only here for ten days. The bright side is that I recovered very fast and found the joy amid the chaos :D.

Well, what a day that was! The lunch shift was intense, to say the least; for the first time since the vipassana course started, I gave in to my emotions and I got angry (or frustrated, really). It needed to happen to be able to reflect on the situation, the takeaways were truly beautiful and magical. A series of events lead me to become fed up and agitated, and I decided to express my frustration in the afternoon meeting. I voiced my concern with love and compassion, letting the group know first and foremost that I am grateful and thankful that each of them is a part of my process within this unusual environment. I believe that every person who comes into my life enters for a reason, I am learning from all of them. It felt like a weight off my shoulders to express my ongoing frustration with kindness and love. In the evening, I did one hour of metta – I had never done that before, it was beautiful.

The word for the day was humility: being humble enough to recognised that I will make mistakes, and therefore make space for others to also be imperfect. We had a beautiful group meeting with the kitchen servers tonight. Pasha and Javier shared some reflections for us to contemplate during our time as a volunteer. This opened up a sharing/discussion within the group. It was interesting to hear everyone's point of view and experience of serving and interacting with one another thus far. I am learning so much –yet again – from myself and from my fellow companions. It has been raining since yesterday; I remember that it rained as well after vipassana day last year – a symbol of the inner cleanse that was taking place. There is a similar sensation this time around, it is part of the process of the course: washing away old stuff, maybe tears of joy or sorrow, and the cleaner and clearer view which comes after the rain.

DAY 6: Tuesday 16.01.2024    Awareness and Equanimity

Humility was still on the menu today as I realised how much awareness is required of us during service. There is so much to take in consideration as a vipassana kitchen volunteer: we receive a crazy amount of information from so many directions while we try to attend to what is expected of us; simultaneously, we – at least that is what I did – analyse every reaction and behaviour in an effort towards spiritual growth. The kitchen has been an endless reminder to continuously practise kindness, compassion and understanding, because the brain truly works in mysterious ways sometimes. What a life lesson!

Today is the first day I felt an easefulness while seated in meditation, or rather a sense of calmness and serenity. The afternoon meditation was very fluid. I practised the vipassana technique; I wanted to continue when it ended, to go through another layer, but I had to go back to the kitchen. The meditation hours are drastically reduced when one serves. As a student, the 10+ hours of meditation a day are incredibly challenging, yet incredibly insightful on a personal level. The body and mind have so much time to relax and open up – at least that was my experience as a student. Also, as of today, we are scanning from head to feet and back up from feet to head, noticing all the sensations that come up – as instructed on vipassana day – without leaving any part of the body out, and without identifying with any of the sensations. The idea of vipassana is to cultivate awareness AND equanimity. If there are parts of the body where we are unable to make out the sensation – also known as 'blank spots' – then we can stay on that area for no more than one minute to see if something comes up. Beyond that amount of time, and if nothing comes up, then we are instructed to move on to another part of the body and repeat the process. We are developing our capacity to detach from either scenarios: refraining from identifying with the sensation, while also learning to let it go if no sensation appears.

As a volunteer on a vipassana course, we are allowed to read books – only the books provided by the centre, about the practice of vipassana of course. We are also allowed to write; I found that out on the second day because I asked during one of the meetings – hence the diary entries. I am reading a book by William Hart called The Art Of Living, Vipassana Meditation As Taught by S.N Goenka. The book is made up of ten chapters, mirroring the ten days of a vipassana retreat. With each chapter, Hart dissects the vipassana technique, offering profound insights from his own journey. I am a little ahead in the book because its design did not sink in until later on :). Anyhow, in chapter eight, Hart reflects on awareness and equanimity, and the importance of cultivating both rather than privilege one over the other. This particular point was eye-opening to me: for most of my life I have been very self-aware, aware of my surroundings and aware of the people around me. I would get angry, sad and frustrated at situations and behaviours I would witness. For a long time, I neglected equanimity: the quality to remain neutral in the face of triggering events – joyful or sad. I have been aware of that fact, yet it has been a challenge to implement it into my daily life. Being in Dhamma Sacca as a server has made that clear, but it is reading Hart's reflection on the matter that was illuminating. He shone the light on what is the cause for a lot of my frustration and tension.

What a long day it has been. I am so grateful for the day off that I am about to enjoy tomorrow. I didn't really want one, but Pasha insisted that I took one and I now absolutely welcome it. During the 6 p.m meditation, it came that I wanted to observe silence on my day off. I wish to disconnect completely from the kitchen, the other servers, and just take care of myself by being in contemplation – receiving a minimum of interferences from the 'outside world'.

DAY 7: Wednesday 17.01.2024 Silence

I did not sleep very well. After a night of tossing and turning, I woke up early this morning – as I predicted I would. I had a lovely pranayama and yin yoga practice before the morning meditation. After breakfast, I went for a long walk; I didn't think I would walk for an hour (the walking path has been turned into deep ponds because of the heavy rain that has fallen all night and all morning). It's beautiful: the soft stream has been turned into a deep, powerful river. During meditation, there was a heavy pour down on the hall; it felt like we were going to be swept away at any moment. When we came out, it was daylight, and the sky line was breathtaking.

I cannot believe it is day seven already. On day two and three, it feels like these ten days will be the longest ten days, then, out of nowhere, it is almost the end. I am thoroughly enjoying this unexpected time off: observing silence today has been very soothing for my soul, and a much-needed rest for my mind. I noticed the difference in my meditations: there is a tranquillity from having no distractions and no interactions with others. Tonight I will listen to the discourse after the evening meditation, and go to bed to, hopefully, get a good night sleep. Today was a wonderful break from it all.

DAY 8: Thursday 18.01.2024 The Turning Point

I did not stay for the discourse last night, I ended up going to bed at 8.30 p.m. I did go in, but left within ten minutes. One of the rules – and there are many – is that we cannot point our feet to the 'teachers' when we are seated in the meditation hall. Servers are appointed to make sure that people do no fall asleep, slouch and do not point their feet to the 'teachers'. I am not a big fan of rules, but I will show respect when it is due. During the discourse last night, I sat in a wide-legged position, with one leg stretched out to the side while the other was bent inwards (none of my feet pointing to any of the 'teachers'). Apparently, this is considered inadequate sitting posture, therefore I was told by a fellow volunteer to change the positioning of my legs. I decided to leave instead.

I have been growing increasingly annoyed at some of the things I have been witnessing and hearing from the staff and more experienced practitioners alike. I put 'teachers' in quotations marks, because it is a bit of a stretch to call them as such. As a server, I sit through the evening audience that is given to students for them to ask questions and share their doubts and uncertainties about what is happening to them – some of them often in tears and in states of despair. No matter what, it is always more or less the same answer to everything: 'it's fine, keep meditating'. While I know that a vipassana course is a very personal journey which will greatly differ from person to person – even from retreat to retreat – I expect much more than a textbook answer mechanically repeated no matter what the issue is. There does not seem to be room for questioning or support, other than being told to keep practising the technique and nothing else. I never went to the assisting teachers for questions in any of my vipassana courses, but I did have interactions with some of them during my times there. In this particular course, I was called in to speak with the 'assisting teacher' in charge of the women on day 2 to discuss my Reiki practice, a fact I had disclosed on my admission form. This was unexpected considering I had also written that information on the online form that has to be filled during the application process. This is again demonstrating the lack of organisation and, it seems, communication within the centre. When I pointed out that this information was not questioned at the time of processing my application – it took several emails enquiring about my previous and ongoing meditation practice and many questions about any other healing and meditative techniques I may be practising before being accepted on the course – I was told that the person checking my form overlooked it and/or did not pay enough attention. So, here I was, being asked if I had given anyone Reiki since arriving and if I planned on continuing the practice of Reiki after this course. When I answered that I had not practised Reiki in any shape of form whatsoever while on the course and thatI would be continuing to use Reiki upon leaving, the assisting teacher let me know that I would not be able to come back if this was the case. I was clearly told that the only technique to be practised is vipassana as taught by S.N Goenka. I left that meeting once again feeling uncomfortable with the attitude and energy of the 'assisting teacher': seemingly sweet and kind in her demeanour, yet her eyes conveyed frustration and annoyance at my answers. And when it was clear that I was not prepared to give up Reiki, nor to make any one practice the one and only – just because someone is telling me I will not 'be allowed to come back otherwise' – she said: 'well, you never know, things change and you may eventually change your mind'. While I agree that one can never say never because life is unpredictable – look at me now :) – it sure felt like dogmatic talk to me. I've been wanting to give this place and retreat a fair go, but I don't think we align. There are still another two days, we shall see.

There is nothing scarier than blind faith, if it overrides intuition and personal safety. From what I have observed during my previous retreats, my conversations with people who have been practising vipassana for a while, most of them seem very lost and hungry for whatever solution. That is not a good combination, because again, there does not seem to be any questioning nor reflections going on about the way the vipassana courses are designed and run. The course lasts ten days, in that time one is completely cut off from the world: no phone, no contact with loved ones, sleep deprivation, car keys are taken from you if you have come to the centre by car, no exercise; this creates a very vulnerable and disorientating environment, one that could be – and has been – described as cult like. That uneasy feeling that keeps coming back, this odd energy I cannot fully pinpoint coming from the centres, is still nagging me.

Today, the same 'assisting teacher' who called me to chat was going around the centre asking the servers and staff to send metta (loving and kindness energy) to one of the LTS in charge of the women. This woman is not well, and has not been well for a long time, I believe. I do not know her personally, but we all have watched her descend into what I can only describe as a troubled and depressive state. This has been going on for days: the woman supposedly meant to 'care to' the needs of the women students has been walking around clearly upset, uncommunicative and with a very dark energy around her. When this began on day 2 or 3 of the retreat, she was told to take a few days to meditate more. Now the 'assisting teacher' is going around asking for good vibrations to be sent her way. This woman needs medical treatment, and I cannot believe that this is not what was decided from the start: for her well-being and that of everyone in the centre. I 100% believe in the power of prayer/good vibrations/loving kindness etc, I also believe that the responsibility of any teacher/manager is to possess the skill to know when to step in and recognise when a situation demands critical thinking rather than blindly regurgitate a one-fits-all solution. When I expressed to other servers that I believed this woman needed way more than metta, I was met with sincere surprise, as though this was not something that would have come to mind here. This reaction in itself was more shocking that the 'assisting teacher' going around asking us to give metta to a woman who is clearly broken.

(Edit: this woman went on to stay a few more weeks, only to be thrown out from the centre and told she could not come back again after exhibiting violent and threatening behaviours towards other members of the staff.)

DAY 9: Friday 19.01.2024 Doubting

Well, here we are: the end of the course is here. I slept so good last night, for the first time since I arrived here: eight hours straight. I only heard the first gong, and did not hear my roommates leave for the morning shift. After waking up at 6 a.m, I sat to do some pranayama along with a slightly longer version of the stretching routine I have done every morning, because I had both the time and the room to myself. What a treat! I feel like a new person. Exercise is not permitted during the ten days; another rule I struggle with, although I understand that exercise releases energy, and it indeed may interfere with the introspective aspect of the retreat. However, sitting for extremely long periods of time without stretching is challenging. I cannot imagine what it must be like for the people who have little flexibility and are not accustomed to hold seated postures for a while.

I scanned my entire body up and down in the morning meditation. Mum came to my mind, I hope she is doing OK. I also thought about other loved ones. There is such a disconnection in terms of space and time here; it feels like we have been here forever. Tomorrow the silence will be broken and, just as it was last year, I do not look forward to the assault of noise which is about to descend upon us. Even though servers have to communicate with one another, we are also asked to keep our interactions to a minimum. This is done to respect and support our own process as well as the process of the students and our fellow volunteers. The experience of service has been fascinating: it has given me a whole new perspective of the vipassana as a course and of the organisation. When I sat last year, I was completely immersed in myself: I did not speak the entire ten days and barely looked at anyone. I was very much in my own world, and therefore unaware of the things going on around me. As a server, I observe a lot more and a lot of what I see and hear have brought up concerns and questions about the management of a ten-day vipassana retreat.

I do not think that I will serve on a vipassana course again. There are too many things that do not align with my heart or my soul. I have asked myself – and others, because I had the opportunity to do so – a lot of questions about vipassana as taught by S.N Goenka this time around. From my first unfinished vipassana in 2014 to this course ten years on, I still harbour this uneasy feeling; I cannot shake it off, it feels like something is missing. And yesterday it came to me: I believe this place, the course and the organisation as a whole lacks love, joyfulness. When I spoke to 'old' students and servers, I did not feel inspired to continue my journey with vipassana retreats. I heard people struggling to keep (and beating themselves over it) the two-hour daily meditation practice that Goenka advises to do – along with a yearly ten-day vipassana – if one is to 'successfully free themselves from suffering'. The 'assisting teachers' give off an aloof attitude, repeating mechanically what they have been told to say – something I felt and observed in all three retreats I went to. I still have questions about the retreat and the organisation as a whole; I want to do more research and reading about the course. For now, I do not believe that I will serve again, and I am unsure about seating on a course. Of course, everything in life is always subject to change :).

Tomorrow the silence will come to an end, the energy of the place will shift drastically as we prepare to leave this place. I am trying to stay present, but there is this strong urge inside me: I want to be out of the Dhamma centre. I remain calm and still in my meditations until they end, even though I cannot stand Goenka's voice in the chants. There is something about this man that makes my skin crawl. Because the centre is in Spain, I attended the meditations and the discourses with the Spanish students. I was therefore spared the video and audio recordings of S.N Goenka which are shown to the English students. I know that this played a big part in my ability to see through both this retreat and the last. Listening to a faceless South American voice created a detachment: S.N Goenka was no longer part of my experience to a certain extent.

The kitchen staff had a last meeting this afternoon; we took turn to say some words about our journey during the last ten days. Having said all I wanted to say on day 5, I simply said thank you and I love you.

DAY 10: Saturday 20.01.2024 Metta Day

Today will be a very long and trying day; I do not look forward to the students breaking their silence, and I intend to spend as much time away from them as physically possible. Once again I had a difficult night's sleep: I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to reach a deep sleep state. I woke up before my alarm clock, and I got ready slowly, taking a shower and starting to pack my suitcase.

The last day of a vipassana retreat is metta day – a day that was added later on in the history of vipassana. I found out that originally the students would leave on day eleven without having broken the silence on day ten. On day ten the students are given the instructions as to how to end the daily one-hour morning and evening vipassana meditations, with the practice of metta. Metta is meant to be a short practice whereby the practitioner takes a few minutes to send love, peace, harmony and compassion out to the world. This is the only day during the vipassana retreat that love is mentioned as far as I remember, something that struck me this time around. During the ten days, Goenka's dialogue is mainly focused on suffering and not much else.

I am feeling increasingly uneasy, a sensation that I have carried with me in every vipassana course I have attended. It's interesting that this uneasiness is even more present in what is meant to be a day of joy and harmony as we prepare to say goodbye to this experience and to one another. More and more I am questioning the legitimacy and intention of this course. Coming as a server has been a revelation, one I did not expect, nor intended to find. I did not come looking for, nor expecting, anything concrete, but my last experience as a student was a positive experience – positive enough to lead me to think about coming back to seat and serve again. I definitely did not expect to find myself where I am now: thankful for the opportunity, but with no intention of coming back to a vipassana course as taught by S.N Goenka. I am fascinated by what has come out of this experience for me: being on the other side and seeing behind the scene has confirmed my original doubts all the way back from 2014. I wanted to give the vipassana course a complete opportunity by completing both courses, seated and serving. Had it not been for this course as a server, I may have sat another course in the future – I thought I would at the end of the retreat last year – simply because I was able to sustain the strict schedule of meditation and with the attitude of taking what resonates and leaving it out the rest. An approach I still believe to be useful and valid. However, the vipassana foundation has raised another question for me: to what extent do I live by that? I do not wish to give my support to an organisation which I believe is misleading, misguiding and taking advantage of people's pain, weakness and vulnerability. The benefits do not outweigh the concerns or doubts in this case.

DAY 11: Sunday 21.01.2024 A House Of Cards?

The course ended today at 6:30 a.m. I decided to spend the day with Isa and Abel before taking the 4:10 p.m bus to Madrid. I am so glad I did because we had the most beautiful time together. We had a candid conversation about our experience of the past ten days, S.N Goenka, and the practice of vipassana in general. While I shared my thought, I finally put words to the uneasy feeling I haven't been able to shake off: to me, the vipassana course feels like a façade, a pretty house with no rooms nor floors. None of the people I came across in the senior managing team transmit love and wisdom. I do not feel inspire to continue on the same path. In every conversation I had with people, I found myself repeating the same thing: 'I look for joy in my life, light-heartedness and gentleness'. This includes my meditation practice. I am not looking to create stress or feelings of worthlessness because someone is telling me that I must practise two hours a day in order to be 'liberated'. And the rigorous two hours daily requirement certainly plays on people's mind – long-term practitioners and new students alike. I remember telling myself last year that I would simply try my best and practice the vipassana technique whenever possible, but without putting pressure on myself. I could hear people around me already wondering and stressing about how they would fit this two-hours regiment in their life. This was echoed in the behaviour of long-term practitioners I spoke with: anxiety and self-deprecating thoughts if one is unable to maintain the Goenka meditation recipe. I guess vipassana is not for me after all. The universe is funny sometimes: I went through two retreats to come back to the same conclusion I had come to at the end of my unfinished vipassana ten years ago.

Note: I have no doubt that the vipassana meditation technique is effective, and that the courses have given clarity to many people who have come through the centres. My concerns have to do with the way the courses are run, the lack of empathy and responsibility from the 'assisting teachers' and the people who come to serve and are made in charge of a group of people in a very vulnerable position, while having no qualifications nor training to deal with the emotions and mental health issues which do come up in vipassana courses. From researching those kinds of retreats, talking to friends and loved ones who have done the retreats themselves and, most importantly, from my own experiences with vipassana as taught by S.N Goenka, I believe the organisation to lack the resources necessary to support the students who are more fragile and vulnerable.

I share my thoughts on the matter because I strongly believe that as many sides of the story should be told and people should have the possibility to make an informed decision before taking on this type of venture. There are so many other forms of meditation retreats out there, which does not involve signing yourself away to one way of thinking or behaving. Places where love and kindness live.