LOVE, and other things.

Festival de Las Cometas, Fuerteventura

Being in love is one of the best feelings in the world, or the one emotion that is at the core of all the best feelings in the world. I've always loved "falling" in love, being in love, and loving; yesterday, it came to me that "falling" in love does not describe the process accurately: love is a process of elevation in my eyes, an uplifting energy. How could I associate this beautiful experience with the act of falling – be it "in love" or "for someone"?

Although I just thought about the rest of that expression (falling head over heels in love/for someone), and that describes quite accurately what happens when we are in love with another person :D. Our vision of the world – and said person in the process – is shaken up/distorted in the early stages of a relationship as we discover one another. The being in love stage brings a state of well-being and harmony within oneself as well as with the other person; this stage is probably the most easeful phase of any relationship, because "being" is an effortless state. It is the loving that requires attention, care, and nurturing, and the phase that takes us to new heights; the act of love is the uplifting stage. That phase demands constant awareness – an effort and willingness to look within – before it becomes an integrated part of who we are, and eventually an effortless activity.

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"What we call love is something we generate in ourselves and then project on other people, like a light show [...], what you are feeling is something that comes from inside yourself, not from her (or him) [...]. Be loving, and you'll find love all over the place."

"Who you love has more to do with who you are than who they are."

Christopher Ryan, Tangentially Speaking Podcast

Co-author of Sex At Dawn

Author of Civilised To Death

My first love happened at the age of 17 with a blue-eyed 17-year-old Dutch boy named Joost. I remember crying on the sofa for weeks on end after we had to say goodbye to one another :). That was my first experience of teenage heartache: the intense feeling of loss and the belief that I would never find someone like him – and I never did, because we are all unique – or be capable of loving again because the pain seemed too hard to bear :). Of course, I did experience love many more times after that, in many forms. I am 47 now, and in the last thirty years, I spent more time being single than being in a relationship. Even though all the romantic relationships I've been in have enriched my life in one way or another – and I very much enjoy being in one – the most important relationship in my life has been the one with myself, and continues to be the one of utmost importance.

It is a cliché, yet one that couldn't be more true: I can only give what I have. This applies to everything; first, I cultivate it within myself so that I can share it with others from a place of wholeness rather than lack/need. It took me a long time – a few relationships (romantic or not) that's for sure :) – to understand that I am the only one responsible for my state of being and to see every encounter as an opportunity to learn from myself and grow, even when the encounter/relationship does not sustain the test of time. I believe that every person who comes into my life does so for a reason. That reason might not be understood straight away; it may take some time and a few repeats –sometimes the person might already be long gone from our lives – but the impact of the meeting will ripple on in our souls and reveal parts of ourselves that were hidden in the shadows.

Loving – although demanding to begin with – has the potential to be the most transformative and magical of all stages in the adventure that is LOVE. We can begin to see each other as teachers: nourishing the light that already exists in us, while simultaneously illuminating the darkness within so that we can start to heal and deeply connect with ourselves and with one another. I spent a long time in the "being in love" stage when it comes to the relationship with myself: striving to cultivate qualities such as kindness, compassion, non-judgement, etc. This was also punctuated by moments of self-loathing when I felt like I had let myself down by giving in to emotions that we often want to repress or deny. The self-loathing gave way to compassion and a need to look deeper into – and understand – the parts of myself that I was not fully acknowledging or even rejecting: the uncomfortable, the not-so-pretty. The emotional turmoil that comes from that process is painful, yet extremely liberating. It led me to love every part of my being without fear, to transform my shortcomings into valuable lessons, to move from being in love with who I am to loving who I am.

I'm still integrating the lessons and still learning, but the learning curves feel easier to accept, navigate, and integrate...almost effortless.

Les Jardins De L'Ange, France

"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole."

Carl Jung

#soulsearching #love #meditation