Updated: Mar 12
I have just experienced something that I can only be described as an awakening. A part of me is still blown away by the whole thing.
I have been feeling a shift coming for the last few months now; It began in the summer. Actually, It started way before that but the culminating stage towards the shift started in the summer. I felt like I was going nuts :) It is said that a great turmoil occurs before a transformation, and I guess that this sensation of going insane was the turmoil brewing inside me. I have been sitting in meditation daily for almost three years now, observing and studying my thought patterns. In my seated meditations I stay still, not acting or reacting to my thoughts (whatever they may be). However, in my daily life, it was a different experience at times. I would meditate in pure bliss only to lose my shit sometimes not even within 5 minutes after the end of my mediation! It has been a process :) (still is). Having said that, I was definitely seeing positive results: calmer, kinder to myself and others and patient. I knew the change might not come overnight, so I kept on sitting, I kept on practising, on and off the mat.
This past summer though I started to be more and more judgemental of my 'let-downs'. Anytime I found myself reverting to my old patterns (which admittedly was less and less) I was disappointed in myself and my inner critic was having a field day, judging and criticising. The thing is that the inner critic cannot exist without the inner teacher (it needs something to rebel against) therefore, anytime I would give in to the relentless chattering of my inner critic, my inner teacher was also very near; Not as loud as the inner critic but definitely present, asking: ''Are you ready for this now? Do you want this change you have been asking for?" For weeks, I unconsciously said no, falling into a vicious circle of observing and understanding only to fall back into the worries of the future or the doubts about the past. I felt like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day, living and re-living the same day hoping for something to change. I love that movie and, essentially, the message is the same: the outside world only changes when I am ready to make the changes within myself first.
So I went crazy, so to speak, for a bit, repeating behaviours but also catching myself doing it and therefore beating myself up over 'failing' once again; Until I was finally ready. Gradually I became more and more conscious of my behaviour and reactions as they happen rather than after the fact and I surrendered to the 'failures' with compassion and kindness towards myself. I noticed subtle changes, something difficult to express in words. I felt lighter. I then went to It's Yoga Fuerteventura for two weeks to assist on the 301 training with Salla. I had been looking forward to coming back there, and I felt instantly serene at arriving in Corralejo. I can't believe it had already been a year since my last visit. I was very calm and joyful. I also noticed myself to be more relaxed. I am a loving person by nature, but I was always feeling some resistance of sorts. I was definitely not letting myself receive all the love that came my way :) I consider myself to be somewhat guarded, although very outgoing. During my stay in Corralejo, something happened. It felt like a layer that I had created to protect my heart was being pulled off, all the resistance was coming undone.
The complete shift took place during a Rocket II modified class I was guiding on Tuesday 13.11.2018. Gabriele, a musician friend of Salla and I played the saxophone, didgeridoo and the guitar during the class while Salla stayed to give adjustments as I facilitated. It was so moving, I felt the love coming from everyone, the support from Gabriele and Salla and everything else around it. It was magical. I left that class super emotional, immensely grateful and filled with love. The following days were incredible, I felt love like I never knew existed or just didn't know I could feel. My heart chakra was fully open, I felt connected to everyone and everything around me. People also told me that I seemed different. I feel different and I am. The only person in my way was myself, no one else. All this time knowing all of this and having the tools to make a change, but the mind can be stubborn and powerful (which is a useful trait in certain situations). I wanted the idea of the change for so long, but I was also unwilling to let go of my old self. She is still here but in a different form.
During my time in Corralejo I drank yogi teas; I hadn't bought them in ages. The little messages with each tea bag were blowing my mind as well during the training. Each day I was greeted by a little quote relating to love. The one that resonated the most was the one above: "Where there is love, there is no question." So simple.